Perfectly Lonely

img_4639-1The title of this post is Perfectly Lonely.  Sounds kinda sad right? Its not. Its the title of a song from John Mayer album Battle Studies albums (One of my favorites). I haven’t been on here in awhile. I have so many post I’ve been waiting to blog but I have not got around to it. I’ve been caught up planning for my future. Networking, researching, studying,prepping for doctoral programs and Peace Corps applications.
I was watching a SZA interview and she said:

“Focus on yourself focus on the glow: drink water, exfoliate, moisturize, get your cardio, get your blood flowing…. praise God Thank God for the day. Make a plan for the week and cross a few things off. It’s better than Niggas already. It’s Self Love and You Lit“. -SZA

 

This quote really spoke to me. I’ve been feeling lonely lately. I guess this is the first time ever that I don’t have anyone to date or talk to. It’s weird. Im ok not having anyone its kinda calming to belong to myself my body and spirit……. but its hard not having someone of the opposite sex anymore to look forward to talking to everyday or be a constant reminder that maybe this world isn’t so bad after all if we have one another.

This past year I dated. I mean really dated. I dated someone a year younger than me. Someone 10 years older than me. A few flings here and there. I even attempted to get to know a male best friend. My best friend eventually started to become the guys I used to complain to him about, lacking care and communication. I KNOW I deserve so much more than halfass-ness Out of those experiences I’ve learned a lot about myself, self worth, and tolerance. One of them I actually did fall in love and I don’t fall easily……..but it ended so bad because he was a liar, manipulative, and verbally abusive. So now I’m prepared to focus on my future and  the glow up. Physically, mentally, and spiritually… I even want to practice being celibate. Over the past year Ive had satisfying sexual experiences but where did that leave me? Lonely with  empty  promises and false hopes. I know I’m young but those experiences almost broke me…. they left me feeling like maybe I’m not worthy of being loved. So this season is about growth and it’s important for everyone to know what they want in a future partner. Personally I need:

Trust

Respect

To Communicate with me if theres an issue

Attention

Supportive

Commitment

 Acts of Service

Love me really Love me

Until then I wont settle and I would rather be alone then stressed out with someone who does not  care about me. Ive also learned that you KNOW when someone doesn’t care about you, you can feel it. I’ve also learned to believe a guy when he shows you who he is the first time. I want that feeling SZA describes in Garden off Ctrl or JCole in Shes Mine. Right now I just I feel like SZA in Twenty Something:

“How could it be?

20 something, all alone still

Not a thing in my name

Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love

Only know fear

That’s me, Ms. 20 Something

Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love

Wish you were here, oh”

 

Which I am ok with… I’m not sad. I like the quietness and I love taking time out to be alone. I know everything happens for a reason and thats why those guys didn’t work out. You may be one of them if you’re reading this. Idk where my future husband is but I pray for him already.

Signed,

A Recovering Over Lover

Perfectly Lonely

IMG_4034

Sounds kinda sad right? Its not. Its the title of a song from John Mayer album Battle Studies albums (One of my favorites). I haven’t been on here in awhile. I have so many post I’ve been waiting to blog but I have not got around to it. I’ve been caught up planning for my future. Networking, researching, studying,prepping for doctoral programs and Peace Corps applications.

 

 

I was watching a SZA interview and she said:

“Focus on yourself focus on the glow: drink water, exfoliate, moisturize, get your cardio, get your blood flowing…. praise God Thank God for the day. Make a plan for the week and cross a few things off. It’s better than Niggas already. It’s Self Love and You Lit“. -SZA

 

This quote really spoke to me. I’ve been feeling lonely lately. I guess this is the first time ever that I don’t have anyone to date or talk to. It’s weird. Im ok not having anyone its kinda calming to belong to myself my body and spirit……. but its hard not having someone of the opposite sex anymore to look forward to talking to everyday or be a constant reminder that maybe this world isn’t so bad after all if we have one another.

This past year I dated. I mean really dated. I dated someone a year younger than me. Someone 10 years older than me. A few flings here and there. I even attempted to get to know a male best friend. None of them worked out for various reasons but overall I KNEW from those situations that I deserve so much more than halfass-ness. From those experiences I learned a lot about myself, self worth, and tolerance. One of them I actually did fall in love and I don’t fall easily……..but it ended so bad because he was a liar, manipulative, and verbally abusive. So now I’m prepared to focus on my future and  the glow up. Physically, mentally, and spiritually… I even want to practice being celibate. Over the past year Ive had satisfying sexual experiences but where did that leave me? Lonely with  empty  promises and false hopes. I know I’m young but those experiences almost broke me…. they left me feeling like maybe I’m not worthy of being loved. So this season is about growth and it’s important for everyone to know what they want in a future partner. Personally I need:

Trust

Respect

To Communicate with me if theres an issue

Attention

Supportive

Commitment

 Acts of Service

Love me really Love me

Until then I wont settle and I would rather be alone then stressed out with someone who does not  care about me. Ive also learned that you KNOW when someone doesn’t care about you, you can feel it. I’ve also learned to believe a guy when he shows you who he is the first time. I want that feeling SZA describes in Garden off Ctrl or JCole in Shes Mine. Right now I just I feel like SZA in Twenty Something:

“How could it be?
20 something, all alone still
Not a thing in my name
Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love
Only know fear
That’s me, Ms. 20 Something
Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love
Wish you were here, oh”

 

Which I am ok with… I’m not sad. I like the quietness and I love taking time out to be alone. I know everything happens for a reason and thats why those guys didn’t work out. You may be one of them if you’re reading this. Idk where my future husband is but I pray for him already.

Signed,
A Recovering Over Lover

Curry Chicken- Ivys version of Jamaican style

Time: 1.30 hour

Preparation:10 mins

Ingredients:

How much seasoning you want is up to you. I use a lot.

Disclaimer: Im not Jamaican but I know how to cook. Ive combined recipes from my friend Deidre who is from Jamaica, YouTube, and online recipes to make a version of what works best for me.

Add a little water to cabbage, lightly season with Greek Seasoning

Add bread crumb to thicken gravy if needed

Prep:

  1. Dice Tomato, Scallions, Garlic, Pepper. Put chicken thighs in a bowl and season it seasoning pepper and curry seasoning.  Mix diced vegetables and Chicken in bowl to marinate about 30 mins-1 hour. ( curry and veggies should be sticking to chicken)

Dice Potato for later

  1. Heat oil and 2 tablespoons of curry powder in a large iron skillet over high heat until oil is hot and curry powder changes color. Add chicken and veggies to oil. Once chicken start to turn brown. Reduce heat and add water to skillet. Add potato.
  2. Covering is optional. Cook until chicken is cooked and gravy is thickened.
    Trust me you will know the its done. I let it cook for about 40mins

Galentines Day 2017 <3

Hi!

I wanted to share these pictures of Valentines Day this year in Brooklyn with my bestfriend. It was my first year without a boyfriend, but ironically it was one of my favorite Valentines Day celebrations thus far. We dressed up and went out to a bar to  stuff our faces with tacos, tequila, and guacamole. What more can a girl ask for? 🙂 Ladies if you don’t have a Valentines don’t freak out. Remember we live in a capitalist society and Valentines Day is Big Businesses favorite holiday in America. Forget the candy, flowers, and future headaches. In the great words of Beyonce “ladies leave your man at home” and go out with your friends to celebrate Galentines Day.

 

To Pimp a Butterfly

kdot.jpg

I can talk more about this in detail another day. I’ll highlight what verses were most powerful to me personally. This dialogue between Pac and K. Dot on Mortal Man is the epitome of the African American mans experience growing up in poverty. 

 

[Outro: Kendrick Lamar & 2Pac]

[Kendrick Lamar]
“I remember you was conflicted
Misusing your influence
Sometimes I did the same
Abusing my power, full of resentment
Resentment that turned into a deep depression
Found myself screaming in the hotel room
I didn’t wanna self destruct
The evils of Lucy was all around me
So I went running for answers
Until I came home
But that didn’t stop survivor’s guilt
Going back and forth trying to convince myself the stripes I earned
Or maybe how A-1 my foundation was
But while my loved ones was fighting the continuous war back in the city, I was entering a new one
A war that was based on apartheid and discrimination
Made me wanna go back to the city and tell the homies what I learned
The word was respect
Just because you wore a different gang color than mine’s
Doesn’t mean I can’t respect you as a black man
Forgetting all the pain and hurt we caused each other in these streets
If I respect you, we unify and stop the enemy from killing us
But I don’t know, I’m no mortal man, maybe I’m just another nigga”

[2Pac]
Shit, I like to think that at every opportunity I’ve ever been threatened with resistance, it’s been met with resistance.And not only me but it goes down my family tree. You know what I’m saying, it’s in my veins to fight back

[2Pac]
In this country a black man only have like 5 years we can exhibit maximum strength, and that’s right now while you a teenager, while you still strong or while you still wanna lift weights, while you still wanna shoot back. Cause once you turn 30 it’s like they take the heart and soul out of a man, out of a black man in this country. And you don’t wanna fight no more. And if you don’t believe me you can look around, you don’t see no loud mouth 30-year old muthafuckas


[Kendrick Lamar]
That’s crazy man. In my opinion, only hope that we kinda have left is music and vibrations, lotta people don’t understand how important it is. Sometimes I be like, get behind a mic and I don’t know what type of energy I’mma push out, or where it comes from. Trip me out sometimes

I wanted to read one last thing to you. It’s actually something a good friend had wrote describing my world. It says:

“The caterpillar is a prisoner to the streets that conceived it
Its only job is to eat or consume everything around it, in order to protect itself from this mad city
While consuming its environment the caterpillar begins to notice ways to survive
One thing it noticed is how much the world shuns him, but praises the butterfly
The butterfly represents the talent, the thoughtfulness, and the beauty within the caterpillar
But having a harsh outlook on life the caterpillar sees the butterfly as weak and figures out a way to pimp it to his own benefits

Already surrounded by this mad city the caterpillar goes to work on the cocoon which institutionalizes him
He can no longer see past his own thoughts
He’s trapped
When trapped inside these walls certain ideas take roots, such as going home, and bringing back new concepts to this mad city

The result?
Wings begin to emerge, breaking the cycle of feeling stagnant
Finally free, the butterfly sheds light on situations that the caterpillar never considered, ending the internal struggle
Although the butterfly and caterpillar are completely different, they are one and the same.”

What’s your perspective on that?
Pac? Pac?
Pac?!

What about Black LGBTQ lives? The importance of intersectionality within the Black community

 

Lgbtq

(not sure who this artist is but I love this painting)

So last semester I took an online class called the Psychology of LGBTQ Issues with Dr. Matthew Robinson; a professor at Harvard University. There was a few take aways I got from this class that I wanted to share. All quotations below are a combination of old post from weekly write ups written by yours truly.

Overall when you hear the word intersectionality it is often used when talking about feminism. This class made me aware that  intersectionality also includes POC (People Of Color) LBGTQ individuals.

  1. Realizing my privilege as an Heterosexual African American woman

“I never thought in detail about how minorities as a whole share common struggles until now. I never realized that being Heterosexual means that I am a part of a group that may contribute to homophobia (Matthews 2007). Such as white Americans may unintentionally benefit from white privilege. Ethic minorities and the LGBTQ population share similar issues of being labeled “minority”, yet LGBTQ ethnic minorities have to also endure heterocentrism within their own ethnic group. (Greene, 1994). An example of Hetrocentrism is the perpetuation of a romanticized heterosexual family structure seen in the media; painting a picture of how a family is supposed to be according to society. ”

2. Bisexuality do exist in the Black Community….

“Sexual Orientation is often viewed as being dichromatic in nature such as being either homosexual or heterosexual; this type of view often does not give others who do not fit into these categories of sexuality much visibility or thought. Bisexuals are often seen as being confused, promiscuous or not certain with their identity.

I personally thought about the depression and anxiety an individual must go through when having to endure being double a minority, such as African Americans who identify as being bisexual. Ethnic minorities such as African Americans are subject to higher rates of harassment while being apart of the LGBTQ community (Mays & Cochran, 2001). Racial related stress and being apart of LGBTQ community makes this population vulnerable to mental health disorders (Fisher, Wallace, & Fenton, 2000).  When compared to the Lesbian and Gay population, bisexual individuals report lower levels of perceived social support, with higher levels of depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and suicidal ideation, or actual attempts (Balsam & Mohr, 2007). experience poverty, increased workplace discrimination, and endure violence at higher rates (Tweedy & Yescavage, 2015)”

3. Get rid of the DL phenomena 

“Oprah did segments in the 1980s on African American men who are “down low” i.e. having a wife and kids but also have a boyfriends on the side. These segments are seen as the driving force behind perpetrating the stereotype that African American men are  on the “down low” and carrying HIV. Even in the movie For Colored Girls a character is married to a man who has sexual relations with men without her knowing it…“next time you should admit you’re mean, down low and low down; trifling and no count straight out. Instead of being sorry all the time, enjoy being yourself. When I get back I want you gone and take your HIV with you” giving him a paper displaying that she has been diagnosed with HIV positive (Shange, N., Scott, O., Law, L., Venza, J., Carroll, 2000.) Unconsciously internalizing media stories such as this could effect how the African American community (especially black women) I believe that black men should be able to identify as bisexual without feeling the need to pick one or be placed in a box. Sexual freedom should be able to exist within the African American community as it do in White communities.”

4. Spirituality can be used in Psychotherapy for African Americans who identify with LGBTQ…

“Religion and spirituality is often seen as being a major part of someone’s identity and/ or culture (especially with African American patients). Many heterosexual individuals are able to say their religion vocally without feeling a sensibility towards their affiliation. According to Boswell (1980) institutionalize religions have been a driving force of oppression towards Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual men and women since the middle ages. I personally appreciated Davidson (2000) article on ways of incorporating spirituality into psychotherapy and counseling. I have never thought about the spiritual side to the coming out process until reading this article. Religion played a role in the results of Dahl & Galliher (2012) LGBT youth study that showed participants made efforts to deny their attraction to the same sex and felt a disconnection to their religion. In therapy patients may also disclose to therapist that their families have attempted to “pray the gay” away.”

As future therapist it is important to know a patients sexual and religious development, in order to build on their spiritual side, without feeling the need to suppress them.”

 

P.S. Check out Moonlight its really good. 🙂

Moonlight-Poster-3-e1477340338463

Why Anxiously Ivy?

Anxiously Ivy was born from a continuous cycle of bad situationships that I have encountered during my early 20s that I felt have shaped me. Essentially,  I was in situations with people who “almost ran off with all my stuff.” Who had tried to convince me that I was the issue. Not saying that I was perfect, but everything was my fault and I could do nothing right within their eyes. I was the “anxious” one who didn’t know how to relax her nerves but how could I possibly relax around someone I knew was empty? Someone who didn’t really love me.  I was in this situation growing feelings for someone who told me whatever rolled off their tongue so that he could get these vines (feelings) to grow within me with no intentions on watering them as they bloomed by next season. These vines had a rocky foundation of hurt, lies, and manipulation. After they attempted to kill my vines that bloomed for them … I decided to instead embrace my reliance; being “Anxiously Ivy“.

“You fell in love with my flowers and not my roots. So when autumn came around, you didn’t know what to do..”

 

“God is within her, she will not fall.” — Psalm 46:5

Somebody Almost Walked Off With All My Stuff

for-colored-girls-cover

Most of friends KNOW hands down my favorite movie is For Colored Girls. Now before you mention how depressing it is or sad; look past that and think about the context. This movie covers daily struggles that Colored Girls go through from men; rape, abortion, physical/emotional abuse, cheating, and lies. This movie is about the secret language of resilience  black women share among each other. Sisterhood of strong personalities that may have been passed down from our grandmothers and their grandmothers. Survivors. Still sometimes the rainbow is Enuf; even for the strongest.

Juanita: Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff and didn’t care enough to send a note home saying “I was late for my solo conversation” or “two sizes too small for my own tacky skirts”. What can anybody do with something of no value on an open market? Did you get a dime for my things? Hey, man! Where are you going with all of my stuff? This is a woman’s trip and I need my stuff to “Ooh” and “Ah” about. Honest to God, somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff and I didn’t bring anything but the kick and sway of it. The perfect ass for my man and none of it is theirs. This is mine, Juanita’s own things. That’s my name. Now give me my stuff. I see you hiding my laugh and how I sit with my legs open sometimes to give my crotch some sunlight. This is some delicate leg and whimsical kiss. I gotta have to give to my choice. So you can’t have me unless I give me away. And I was doing all that till you ran off on a good thing. And who is this you left me with? Some simple bitch with a bad attitude? I want my things. I want my arm with the hot iron scar. I want my leg with the flea bite. Yeah, I want my things. I want my calloused feet and quick language back in my mouth. I want my own things. How I loved them. Somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff and I was standing there looking at myself the whole time. It wasn’t a spirit that ran off with my stuff. It was a man whose ego walked ’round like Rodan’s shadow. It was a man faster than my innocence. It was a lover I made too much room for. Almost ran off with all my stuff and the one running with it don’t know he got it. I’m shouting, “This is mine!” and he don’t even know he got it. My stuff is the anonymous ripped-off treasure of the year. Did you know somebody almost got away with me? Me, in a plastic bag under his arm. Me, Juanita Sims. Somebody almost walked off with all my stuff.

…. I brought you what joy I found. And I found joy. And then there’s that woman who hurt you. And who you left three or four times. And then you went back after you put my heart in the bottom of your shoe. You just walked back to where you hurt and I didn’t have nothing. So I went to where somebody had something for me, but none of them were you. I got a real dead loving here for you now, ’cause I don’t know anymore how to avoid my own face wet with my tears because I had convinced myself that colored girls have no right to sorrow. I lived for you. I know I did it for myself, but I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand being sorry and colored at the same time. It’s so redundant in the modern world.

You Tube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yd9eJRecAk

For Colored Girls thats dealing with heartbreak

From an old essay

“I’ve been in limbo a little after being hurt by love. I wasn’t really sure how to channel that negative energy I was feeling until passing an art store near campus a few days ago. I decided maybe my way of coping and expressing myself should be through art.So I started a “For Colored Girls” series of paintings which are inspired by Ntozake Shange’s monologues that focused on African American women journey through love, struggle, loss and eventually empowerment. This is just my way expressing my feelings when words won’t do it justice. This is dedicated to “vulnerability”.”

 

“My Love Is Too Delicate To Have Thrown Back In My Face”.FullSizeRender (1)FullSizeRender (2)

Black Harlem isn’t dead…Yet

In the middle of it all…How could you not be inspired while living in Harlem?

“… Harlem was home; was where we belonged; where we knew and were known in return; where we felt most alive; where, if need be, somebody had to take us in. Harlem defined us, claiming our consciousness and, I suspect, our unconsciousness. (Page 64)”
Ossie Davis, With Ossie and Ruby: In This Life Together

Not your Negro James Baldwin is also a good film that discusses Old Black Harlem

(Pictures taken by me) 🙂

HarlemHarlem14Harlem12Harlem11Harlem10Harlem9Harlem4Harlem3Harlem5Harlem6Harlem7Harlem8Harlem2Harlem1Harlem