Perfectly Lonely

img_4639-1The title of this post is Perfectly Lonely.  Sounds kinda sad right? Its not. Its the title of a song from John Mayer album Battle Studies albums (One of my favorites). I haven’t been on here in awhile. I have so many post I’ve been waiting to blog but I have not got around to it. I’ve been caught up planning for my future. Networking, researching, studying,prepping for doctoral programs and Peace Corps applications.
I was watching a SZA interview and she said:

“Focus on yourself focus on the glow: drink water, exfoliate, moisturize, get your cardio, get your blood flowing…. praise God Thank God for the day. Make a plan for the week and cross a few things off. It’s better than Niggas already. It’s Self Love and You Lit“. -SZA

 

This quote really spoke to me. I’ve been feeling lonely lately. I guess this is the first time ever that I don’t have anyone to date or talk to. It’s weird. Im ok not having anyone its kinda calming to belong to myself my body and spirit……. but its hard not having someone of the opposite sex anymore to look forward to talking to everyday or be a constant reminder that maybe this world isn’t so bad after all if we have one another.

This past year I dated. I mean really dated. I dated someone a year younger than me. Someone 10 years older than me. A few flings here and there. I even attempted to get to know a male best friend. My best friend eventually started to become the guys I used to complain to him about, lacking care and communication. I KNOW I deserve so much more than halfass-ness Out of those experiences I’ve learned a lot about myself, self worth, and tolerance. One of them I actually did fall in love and I don’t fall easily……..but it ended so bad because he was a liar, manipulative, and verbally abusive. So now I’m prepared to focus on my future and  the glow up. Physically, mentally, and spiritually… I even want to practice being celibate. Over the past year Ive had satisfying sexual experiences but where did that leave me? Lonely with  empty  promises and false hopes. I know I’m young but those experiences almost broke me…. they left me feeling like maybe I’m not worthy of being loved. So this season is about growth and it’s important for everyone to know what they want in a future partner. Personally I need:

Trust

Respect

To Communicate with me if theres an issue

Attention

Supportive

Commitment

 Acts of Service

Love me really Love me

Until then I wont settle and I would rather be alone then stressed out with someone who does not  care about me. Ive also learned that you KNOW when someone doesn’t care about you, you can feel it. I’ve also learned to believe a guy when he shows you who he is the first time. I want that feeling SZA describes in Garden off Ctrl or JCole in Shes Mine. Right now I just I feel like SZA in Twenty Something:

“How could it be?

20 something, all alone still

Not a thing in my name

Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love

Only know fear

That’s me, Ms. 20 Something

Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love

Wish you were here, oh”

 

Which I am ok with… I’m not sad. I like the quietness and I love taking time out to be alone. I know everything happens for a reason and thats why those guys didn’t work out. You may be one of them if you’re reading this. Idk where my future husband is but I pray for him already.

Signed,

A Recovering Over Lover

Perfectly Lonely

IMG_4034

Sounds kinda sad right? Its not. Its the title of a song from John Mayer album Battle Studies albums (One of my favorites). I haven’t been on here in awhile. I have so many post I’ve been waiting to blog but I have not got around to it. I’ve been caught up planning for my future. Networking, researching, studying,prepping for doctoral programs and Peace Corps applications.

 

 

I was watching a SZA interview and she said:

“Focus on yourself focus on the glow: drink water, exfoliate, moisturize, get your cardio, get your blood flowing…. praise God Thank God for the day. Make a plan for the week and cross a few things off. It’s better than Niggas already. It’s Self Love and You Lit“. -SZA

 

This quote really spoke to me. I’ve been feeling lonely lately. I guess this is the first time ever that I don’t have anyone to date or talk to. It’s weird. Im ok not having anyone its kinda calming to belong to myself my body and spirit……. but its hard not having someone of the opposite sex anymore to look forward to talking to everyday or be a constant reminder that maybe this world isn’t so bad after all if we have one another.

This past year I dated. I mean really dated. I dated someone a year younger than me. Someone 10 years older than me. A few flings here and there. I even attempted to get to know a male best friend. None of them worked out for various reasons but overall I KNEW from those situations that I deserve so much more than halfass-ness. From those experiences I learned a lot about myself, self worth, and tolerance. One of them I actually did fall in love and I don’t fall easily……..but it ended so bad because he was a liar, manipulative, and verbally abusive. So now I’m prepared to focus on my future and  the glow up. Physically, mentally, and spiritually… I even want to practice being celibate. Over the past year Ive had satisfying sexual experiences but where did that leave me? Lonely with  empty  promises and false hopes. I know I’m young but those experiences almost broke me…. they left me feeling like maybe I’m not worthy of being loved. So this season is about growth and it’s important for everyone to know what they want in a future partner. Personally I need:

Trust

Respect

To Communicate with me if theres an issue

Attention

Supportive

Commitment

 Acts of Service

Love me really Love me

Until then I wont settle and I would rather be alone then stressed out with someone who does not  care about me. Ive also learned that you KNOW when someone doesn’t care about you, you can feel it. I’ve also learned to believe a guy when he shows you who he is the first time. I want that feeling SZA describes in Garden off Ctrl or JCole in Shes Mine. Right now I just I feel like SZA in Twenty Something:

“How could it be?
20 something, all alone still
Not a thing in my name
Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love
Only know fear
That’s me, Ms. 20 Something
Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love
Wish you were here, oh”

 

Which I am ok with… I’m not sad. I like the quietness and I love taking time out to be alone. I know everything happens for a reason and thats why those guys didn’t work out. You may be one of them if you’re reading this. Idk where my future husband is but I pray for him already.

Signed,
A Recovering Over Lover

Galentines Day 2017 <3

Hi!

I wanted to share these pictures of Valentines Day this year in Brooklyn with my bestfriend. It was my first year without a boyfriend, but ironically it was one of my favorite Valentines Day celebrations thus far. We dressed up and went out to a bar to  stuff our faces with tacos, tequila, and guacamole. What more can a girl ask for? 🙂 Ladies if you don’t have a Valentines don’t freak out. Remember we live in a capitalist society and Valentines Day is Big Businesses favorite holiday in America. Forget the candy, flowers, and future headaches. In the great words of Beyonce “ladies leave your man at home” and go out with your friends to celebrate Galentines Day.

 

An Ode to Choice

IMG_0627IMG_0623IMG_0621For April Fools Day 2017, I flew from New York to Atlanta to witness a ceremony of two people professing their love for one another in front of a sea of black family and friends. I have to emphasize “black” because the wedding was really all black. Seeing a young black couple get married in their early 20s defies stereotypes and  shows that black love is still alive; here in a barn in Toccoa, GA we came to celebrate it.  No April Fool Jokes or Drake Fake Love here. All real and Authentic. Kelle and Rods love is pure and true. Seriously. I met Kelle while working at a psychiatric institution after her and I had to endure dealing with extremely mentally disturbed children. Some how in the mist of that chaos we became close friends. We instantly clicked and have been friends ever since; Kelle is not only beautiful but she also has a hilarious unique personality to match it.  One day Kelle randomly told me if she ever got married she wanted it to be in a barn LOL and she was not playing. The wedding was in northern GA in a barn with hay and I Loved every minute of it.  Ironically, I also knew Rod. We attended Tucker High School together and were Facebook friends. During undergrad I used to always “like” the pictures he would post of his beautiful girlfriend. Who would’ve known that I would one day meet her and become close friends with her? I Thank God for giving me the opportunity to meet Kelle.

Kelle and Rod love is a testimony to choice and true love. These two were designed for each other by God. Their love shined so bright at their wedding that the whole church could tell that these two are the epitome of true love. Rod and Kelle made the choice to love each other, get married, and to commit to each other forever before family, friends, and God.

I loved the wedding, I loved seeing them together ,and I am truly thankful I had the opportunity to witness “Love”. Personally,  I’m still figuring out “Love” but I know it’s a choice. To seriously commit and build towards marriage. To chose to love your partner everyday. When Kelle met Rod for the first time at Savannah State University she called her mom and said “I think I just met my future husband”. Once you meet that person you will just know it.  Once you make the choice to choose someone God will be there to lead every step of the way or tell you that this person isn’t the right one. Either way God will be there and will never leave your side. The presence of God and the Holy Spirit was in the room at Kelle and Rods wedding to let us know that he will continue to be their with this couple as long as they continue to also chose Him. A Love rooted in God can not be easily broken.

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:12

P.S. They met at an HBCU IMG_0477.JPG

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Why Anxiously Ivy?

Anxiously Ivy was born from a continuous cycle of bad situationships that I have encountered during my early 20s that I felt have shaped me. Essentially,  I was in situations with people who “almost ran off with all my stuff.” Who had tried to convince me that I was the issue. Not saying that I was perfect, but everything was my fault and I could do nothing right within their eyes. I was the “anxious” one who didn’t know how to relax her nerves but how could I possibly relax around someone I knew was empty? Someone who didn’t really love me.  I was in this situation growing feelings for someone who told me whatever rolled off their tongue so that he could get these vines (feelings) to grow within me with no intentions on watering them as they bloomed by next season. These vines had a rocky foundation of hurt, lies, and manipulation. After they attempted to kill my vines that bloomed for them … I decided to instead embrace my reliance; being “Anxiously Ivy“.

“You fell in love with my flowers and not my roots. So when autumn came around, you didn’t know what to do..”

 

“God is within her, she will not fall.” — Psalm 46:5

Somebody Almost Walked Off With All My Stuff

for-colored-girls-cover

Most of friends KNOW hands down my favorite movie is For Colored Girls. Now before you mention how depressing it is or sad; look past that and think about the context. This movie covers daily struggles that Colored Girls go through from men; rape, abortion, physical/emotional abuse, cheating, and lies. This movie is about the secret language of resilience  black women share among each other. Sisterhood of strong personalities that may have been passed down from our grandmothers and their grandmothers. Survivors. Still sometimes the rainbow is Enuf; even for the strongest.

Juanita: Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff and didn’t care enough to send a note home saying “I was late for my solo conversation” or “two sizes too small for my own tacky skirts”. What can anybody do with something of no value on an open market? Did you get a dime for my things? Hey, man! Where are you going with all of my stuff? This is a woman’s trip and I need my stuff to “Ooh” and “Ah” about. Honest to God, somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff and I didn’t bring anything but the kick and sway of it. The perfect ass for my man and none of it is theirs. This is mine, Juanita’s own things. That’s my name. Now give me my stuff. I see you hiding my laugh and how I sit with my legs open sometimes to give my crotch some sunlight. This is some delicate leg and whimsical kiss. I gotta have to give to my choice. So you can’t have me unless I give me away. And I was doing all that till you ran off on a good thing. And who is this you left me with? Some simple bitch with a bad attitude? I want my things. I want my arm with the hot iron scar. I want my leg with the flea bite. Yeah, I want my things. I want my calloused feet and quick language back in my mouth. I want my own things. How I loved them. Somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff and I was standing there looking at myself the whole time. It wasn’t a spirit that ran off with my stuff. It was a man whose ego walked ’round like Rodan’s shadow. It was a man faster than my innocence. It was a lover I made too much room for. Almost ran off with all my stuff and the one running with it don’t know he got it. I’m shouting, “This is mine!” and he don’t even know he got it. My stuff is the anonymous ripped-off treasure of the year. Did you know somebody almost got away with me? Me, in a plastic bag under his arm. Me, Juanita Sims. Somebody almost walked off with all my stuff.

…. I brought you what joy I found. And I found joy. And then there’s that woman who hurt you. And who you left three or four times. And then you went back after you put my heart in the bottom of your shoe. You just walked back to where you hurt and I didn’t have nothing. So I went to where somebody had something for me, but none of them were you. I got a real dead loving here for you now, ’cause I don’t know anymore how to avoid my own face wet with my tears because I had convinced myself that colored girls have no right to sorrow. I lived for you. I know I did it for myself, but I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand being sorry and colored at the same time. It’s so redundant in the modern world.

You Tube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yd9eJRecAk