Losing a friend.

This is kinda a free hand writing type of day…excuse the errors.

 

Today I thought of you and I instantly started to miss you…I don’t think about you often but when I do it makes me sad. I miss our friendship.. Genuine friends are so hard to come by these days. We had a strong foundation of respect, love, and empathy. We were there for one another at each others worst. We traveled the world together, spent holidays together, and was a shoulder for each other to cry on. I don’t think I appreciated you as much as I should have when we were together. The same goes for you. We were young and didn’t know much about relationships or love. I personally did not grow up seeing healthy relationships around me so I had no framework to model after. I thought about you recently after watching the finale of Insecure when Lawerence and Issa finally talked to each other. They had an mature post breakup talk ybut the scene where Issa and Lawrence parted ways really spoke to me.

Yes we dated for years but you was also my best friend. At times like this when I feel like my world is crashing, I wish I could call you. It makes me cry that you’re no longer around. You were literally always there for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I thought you sucked as a boyfriend but now after dating in New York; you look like the angel Gabriel compared to everyone else. I never told you enough how much I love and appreciate you and your friendship. One thing I will never forget is your communication. You never went a day without talking to me.

I hope you’re happy where ever you are,

 

Ivy

 

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Perfectly Lonely

img_4639-1The title of this post is Perfectly Lonely.  Sounds kinda sad right? Its not. Its the title of a song from John Mayer album Battle Studies albums (One of my favorites). I haven’t been on here in awhile. I have so many post I’ve been waiting to blog but I have not got around to it. I’ve been caught up planning for my future. Networking, researching, studying,prepping for doctoral programs and Peace Corps applications.
I was watching a SZA interview and she said:

“Focus on yourself focus on the glow: drink water, exfoliate, moisturize, get your cardio, get your blood flowing…. praise God Thank God for the day. Make a plan for the week and cross a few things off. It’s better than Niggas already. It’s Self Love and You Lit“. -SZA

 

This quote really spoke to me. I’ve been feeling lonely lately. I guess this is the first time ever that I don’t have anyone to date or talk to. It’s weird. Im ok not having anyone its kinda calming to belong to myself my body and spirit……. but its hard not having someone of the opposite sex anymore to look forward to talking to everyday or be a constant reminder that maybe this world isn’t so bad after all if we have one another.

This past year I dated. I mean really dated. I dated someone a year younger than me. Someone 10 years older than me. A few flings here and there. I even attempted to get to know a male best friend. My best friend eventually started to become the guys I used to complain to him about, lacking care and communication. I KNOW I deserve so much more than halfass-ness Out of those experiences I’ve learned a lot about myself, self worth, and tolerance. One of them I actually did fall in love and I don’t fall easily……..but it ended so bad because he was a liar, manipulative, and verbally abusive. So now I’m prepared to focus on my future and  the glow up. Physically, mentally, and spiritually… I even want to practice being celibate. Over the past year Ive had satisfying sexual experiences but where did that leave me? Lonely with  empty  promises and false hopes. I know I’m young but those experiences almost broke me…. they left me feeling like maybe I’m not worthy of being loved. So this season is about growth and it’s important for everyone to know what they want in a future partner. Personally I need:

Trust

Respect

To Communicate with me if theres an issue

Attention

Supportive

Commitment

 Acts of Service

Love me really Love me

Until then I wont settle and I would rather be alone then stressed out with someone who does not  care about me. Ive also learned that you KNOW when someone doesn’t care about you, you can feel it. I’ve also learned to believe a guy when he shows you who he is the first time. I want that feeling SZA describes in Garden off Ctrl or JCole in Shes Mine. Right now I just I feel like SZA in Twenty Something:

“How could it be?

20 something, all alone still

Not a thing in my name

Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love

Only know fear

That’s me, Ms. 20 Something

Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love

Wish you were here, oh”

 

Which I am ok with… I’m not sad. I like the quietness and I love taking time out to be alone. I know everything happens for a reason and thats why those guys didn’t work out. You may be one of them if you’re reading this. Idk where my future husband is but I pray for him already.

Signed,

A Recovering Over Lover