Perfectly Lonely

img_4639-1The title of this post is Perfectly Lonely.  Sounds kinda sad right? Its not. Its the title of a song from John Mayer album Battle Studies albums (One of my favorites). I haven’t been on here in awhile. I have so many post I’ve been waiting to blog but I have not got around to it. I’ve been caught up planning for my future. Networking, researching, studying,prepping for doctoral programs and Peace Corps applications.
I was watching a SZA interview and she said:

“Focus on yourself focus on the glow: drink water, exfoliate, moisturize, get your cardio, get your blood flowing…. praise God Thank God for the day. Make a plan for the week and cross a few things off. It’s better than Niggas already. It’s Self Love and You Lit“. -SZA

 

This quote really spoke to me. I’ve been feeling lonely lately. I guess this is the first time ever that I don’t have anyone to date or talk to. It’s weird. Im ok not having anyone its kinda calming to belong to myself my body and spirit……. but its hard not having someone of the opposite sex anymore to look forward to talking to everyday or be a constant reminder that maybe this world isn’t so bad after all if we have one another.

This past year I dated. I mean really dated. I dated someone a year younger than me. Someone 10 years older than me. A few flings here and there. I even attempted to get to know a male best friend. My best friend eventually started to become the guys I used to complain to him about, lacking care and communication. I KNOW I deserve so much more than halfass-ness Out of those experiences I’ve learned a lot about myself, self worth, and tolerance. One of them I actually did fall in love and I don’t fall easily……..but it ended so bad because he was a liar, manipulative, and verbally abusive. So now I’m prepared to focus on my future and  the glow up. Physically, mentally, and spiritually… I even want to practice being celibate. Over the past year Ive had satisfying sexual experiences but where did that leave me? Lonely with  empty  promises and false hopes. I know I’m young but those experiences almost broke me…. they left me feeling like maybe I’m not worthy of being loved. So this season is about growth and it’s important for everyone to know what they want in a future partner. Personally I need:

Trust

Respect

To Communicate with me if theres an issue

Attention

Supportive

Commitment

 Acts of Service

Love me really Love me

Until then I wont settle and I would rather be alone then stressed out with someone who does not  care about me. Ive also learned that you KNOW when someone doesn’t care about you, you can feel it. I’ve also learned to believe a guy when he shows you who he is the first time. I want that feeling SZA describes in Garden off Ctrl or JCole in Shes Mine. Right now I just I feel like SZA in Twenty Something:

“How could it be?

20 something, all alone still

Not a thing in my name

Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love

Only know fear

That’s me, Ms. 20 Something

Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love

Wish you were here, oh”

 

Which I am ok with… I’m not sad. I like the quietness and I love taking time out to be alone. I know everything happens for a reason and thats why those guys didn’t work out. You may be one of them if you’re reading this. Idk where my future husband is but I pray for him already.

Signed,

A Recovering Over Lover

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For Colored Girls thats dealing with heartbreak

From an old essay

“I’ve been in limbo a little after being hurt by love. I wasn’t really sure how to channel that negative energy I was feeling until passing an art store near campus a few days ago. I decided maybe my way of coping and expressing myself should be through art.So I started a “For Colored Girls” series of paintings which are inspired by Ntozake Shange’s monologues that focused on African American women journey through love, struggle, loss and eventually empowerment. This is just my way expressing my feelings when words won’t do it justice. This is dedicated to “vulnerability”.”

 

“My Love Is Too Delicate To Have Thrown Back In My Face”.FullSizeRender (1)FullSizeRender (2)